Part One

By anyones measure my life is pretty screwed up. My wife left me for a Nigerian scammer whom she fell in love with online. The guy played her like a violin for 6 months before dropping the "I need money" bombshell on her. Of course she was so smitten with "Lurve" that she promptly drained the joint bank account and then left me to join the scam. The bitch left me with a six month lease and nothing to pay it with. At least she didn't sell all the furniture!

I had no idea it was coming either. She'd been the perfect wife, well as perfect as anyone can be I guess and then the next minute it's Godzilla of the Kitchen. I swear I had no idea it was even possible to use that many insults in a single sentence without taking a breath. With a single intake of air she was able to dismantle my masculinity, sexual prowess (or rather gross lack of), personal hygiene, potential for fatherhood, ability to save the world, likelihood of being taken out by some virulent strain of herpes and all round humanity. Man she was cold. Of course I did everything a man should do in that situation. I begged, I pleaded and basically demeaned myself in ways that no self-respecting male should ever resort to. In short I turned into a complete pussy. There is nothing less attractive to a woman than a man on his knees, begging, who has fewer balls than she does.

Eventually I manned up and kicked the bitch to the curb. Of course I missed her arse by 2 months, but it's the thought that counts. Once I'd managed to get over the fact that the woman of my dreams had turned into some psychotic who'd turn over 4 years of wedded bliss for a bit of spicy chat on the Internet I was on a roll. Well at least until fate turned up again and kicked me in the balls.

So on top of all this domestic bliss I got fired this year, twice, by email if you can believe it. Bastards didn't even have the balls to pick up the phone and ring me. Of course beside the DCM (Don't Come Monday) I also got the SUWNPYE (Screw you we're not paying you either) from the second company, and I'm sure was followed by fingers in the ears and a "Na na na na na na!" or maybe just a single finger salute. It would be enough to drive a man to drink, which I would have done if I could have actually afforded it. I don't think there is anything lower than firing someone by email, unless it's firing them by text message. Personally I think the cheap bastards didn't choose that option because it costs money to send a text message.

You know you work your heart out putting in 3 and even 4 hour days and they are just so unappreciative. The trouble with being a genius is that no one ever understands that you produce more in a 3 hour stint than the rest of their workforce can muster in an entire week. And when you politely point this out to the uninitiated it's usually followed by blank stares and a lot of muttering. You know I don't know why it has to be that difficult. I'm a genius, you're a moron, just shut up and listen. It's not exactly rocket science. Anyway this point never registered with either company and so I find myself drifting from unpaid work to underpaid work just trying to make the car payments.

I'm of course in this entire trance state before I realise that the girl opposite me on the tram is making serious doe eyes at me. This happens to me a lot you know, the women of this world are just so entranced with my mystique that they often become jibbering idiots in the face of my magnetic personality. So I decide to drop her the dis-interested look, that one which says I'd be into you if only you had a personality with more than one dimension. Well that one seems to just go right past her and she continues to give me the look. You know the one. The one that says if we weren't surrounded by 200 complete strangers, some with serious hygiene issues, then I'd be over that seat and rip your clothes off you right now. Ok you may not be familiar with that one but then that is probably what separates you and I in the first place. I'm the one who is completely irresistible and you're the one that people would step over even if you were bleeding to death in the street.

Just to put you in the picture she's about 170cm, long black hair, curves in all the right places and these deep brown eyes that just put you in a trance, ok probably not you because she'd never actually make eye contact with you, but with a god like personality such as myself she not only makes eye contact, she's unable to release it. I have her in my grasp, my tentacles of irresistibility drawing her in with the tenacity of a Rottweiller with an old shoe. It's only a moment in the fabric of space time, but it lasts a lifetime. I see our wedding so clearly, a deserted beach on a remote tropical island, we both wear white. The minister says "You may now kiss the bride" before disappearing in a flash and leaving us alone on the beach. We embrace, caress, fondle, savor. Our bodies become one as we slowly drop to the sand in the embrace of a couple so deeply in tune with each other. Her heart skips a beat as my lips engage hers. A kiss like she has never felt in her entire life before. The kiss of soul mates made for each other. The years flash before our eyes as children appear enmasse. Birthdays, Christmases, School Plays all shared in that same happy wedded bliss. We grow old together, watching sunsets (or could be sunrises, who knows once senility sets in) just sitting there and enjoying each others company in the autumn of our .... WTF? The bitch is reading the information panel over my shoulder! What is wrong with the women of this world? Here she is, faced with a man of such animal magnetism I practically have my own magnetic field and she's reading the information panel? I knew she was a tramp the moment I set eyes on her. Frankly I hope she gets hit by a runaway shopping trolley at the tram stop.